Hello there. I’ve thought about starting a blog for several
years now. I’ve been following blogs like Incongruous Circumspection,
Homeschoolers Anonymous, NLQ, and more for some time now. Maybe it’s time for me
to start telling my story, cuz god knows if I don’t write, I won’t say it! I’m not trying to out anyone or share horrid
stories, I’ve moved on in a lot of ways but maybe now it’s time to start
actually start talking about my healing journey. One thing I’ve learned is that
everyone has a different path to healing and there is no “right”. I have focused on finding a new “normal” and achieving
a stable, secure place in my life financially/emotionally before I start to
revisit those dark places and sort through what they mean- or don’t- for
myself. Everyone keeps telling me there is no NORMAL. OMG. Well I would like to
be normal! My story is a mash of ATI, quiver full/patriarchal/Botkinshit
homeschooling, and the Anabaptist pressure cooker. That’s about three degrees
of crazy, last time I counted. Back to what I was saying. Lol. So I’m just
trying to figure out what normal, what’s right for me, and what I want. I still
haven’t figured out how I feel about God, or homeschooling, or what happened to
me as a child, or religion, and I’m not trying to figure that out anyway. In a way
I’ve moved on way too fast and none of those things even mean anything to me
anymore. And then sometimes I realize that unless I unearth and sort through my
memories and what they mean or how they’ve affected me…….. I’ll always have a
big black hole in my mind. Or something like that.
I kind of wish I had started blogging a long time ago, so
that I could watch the growth I’ve experienced and the changes I’ve embraced.
Oh well. Some of the last three years plus I’d rather not remember anyway.
So in this blog I’m not really aiming to unearth all my
family and my former community’s dirty laundry, although it might happen from
time to time. I think it’s more important to me to document the healthy choices
I’ve made to replace those dark places. It’s true that you can’t replace “dark”
with nothing, so I’ve chosen to learn new things and experiment with new
choices and experiences, and maybe at some point, there just won’t be room for
the demons anymore. I can hope.
I will probably rant a lot and write a lot of crazy views
that may be totally waaaay out there, but hey. Not all of us can be pro-cheaper
by the dozen/whole wheat/anti-Uncle Sam etc etc whatever your “thing” is.
I came to accept a long time ago that I was raised in a
really fucked up way, and that being Mennonite makes me weird in a lot of ways.
I want to say right away that I really wouldn’t trade that upbringing for
anything, but more and more I realize things I missed out on, and that still
causes pain. Still, I am a unique person and I have to think of the things that
have happened to me that way, otherwise I will start to become bitter and feel
that I’ve missed out. Yes, I missed out, but that’s not the memory I want to
have.
Okay! So about me (because every blog seems to have this!) I’m
22 years old, which is one year too old, I work full time, go to school full
time, tutor, drink a lot, watch a lot of CSI and NCIS and Criminal Minds (which
saved my life one time………ANOTHER story), listen to a lot of new music, like
exploring and road trips and learning new things…… and yeah a lot more too!
So I’ve called this blog Recovering ALIVE for a couple
reasons. For one thing this blog is to document my journey to recovery,
wherever that takes me. As I unthaw from a winter of life-long depression, I
feel like my senses, my feelings, and my life is starting to come ALIVE again.
Every day when I wake up with a sense of accomplishment, a sense of KNOWING why
I belong here in this life, I am starting to live again, without that haze that’s
clouded my life for many years.
Welcome to my crazy busy silly life. Read. Or don’t. You won’t
hurt my feelings. J
