I've been on a search for peace my entire life, for as long as I can remember. I didn't realize it until about a year ago. I'm not sure if peace is the absence of worry, absolute trust in a supreme Being, or accepting yourself completely. I think its closer to the later. I've tried to hold on so tightly to circumstances in my life, to control circumstances and create external peace or calm, that I fear its turned me into a angry, hard ass, always lashing out at people and things in my life. I'm not sure how to keep that medium of internal calm and external stress.
I think that a definition of peace, if there is such a thing, would be pretty close to the serenity prayer that Christians like to hang on their walls. I'm not going to quote it here, since I refuse to make any serious religious reference. But peace, to me, would be along the lines of accepting yourself and the journey you're on, and making changes for the better whenever you can. Peace isn't giving up and accepting yourself the way you are, because to me, to be at peace, I have to have an action plan. Ok, I know this sounds like the opposite of peace, but I'm talking about being at peace with my life, not sitting peacefully on a cushion drinking tea. lol.
I recently realized that I've been so focused on success, that I forgot about the search for peace. I've realized that I'm a long way from peace in/with my life. I have a yearning to do things in my life that will bring me peace (ie going to church, sewing, painting), and screw whatever I've said about going to church in the past or what people think of church (for instance). My search for peace is my own private journey and I guess no one needs to know how I got there.... they will see the result of peace in my life. This all sounds super-spiritual, but that can't be farther from how I mean it. Peace with a supreme being might be part of the whole picture, but right now I have to stop hating myself.
Unfortunately, I haven't done any of those things I've been wanting to do, things that can help me find peace, because well, I think I'm still looking in on my life from the outside, a sort of third-party spectator to my life.
I haven't really "owned" my own life, the changes I want to make, the things I've wanted to do.
People on the outside, looking in, have said, "Oh, she's so successful, she's got a job (or three), she's in school, she got a scholarship, a boyfriend, made the dean's list" et al ad nauseaum, but none of that brought me peace. Yes its nice to have a job and good grades, but all that does is provide some security.
I guess that the things that bring peace in life aren't seen so much from the outside.
I guess to find peace I have to start loving myself. Trying too hard to change circumstances in my life, while thats a good thing in some respects, isn't going to breed peace within myself. I may have to choose between pushing myself hard enough to loose those few pounds, or loving myself the way I am. I'm not giving up on my goals.... They have to align themselves with ME! :) Goals are great....they keep me going, they keep me focused, they bring stability, but they haven't brought me peace.......yet. Still waiting for a refund, haha.
I recently received the advice to be gentle with myself. Thats something new to me.
Be gentle with yourself. That sounds like a great place to be.
What does that mean?
I'm not sure if I have any or all of this right yet. I know I have to start thinking differently.......
